Here's Coming... A Better Version of Me.

So how does one start a blog? This is something that has agonized me for the past few weeks.  How much do you reveal, how much do you conceal, should I censor myself? All these thoughts and questions have been swirling around in my head since I decided to start my Fitness Ridge/weight loss blog.

This isn’t my first attempt in the blogosphere. In fact, I’ve had several blogs in the past. I even managed to rack up more than 100 posts in the course of a year on one of them. The thing is… all my posts were private. It was like an on-line diary so there was no need to censor myself. I was completely candid about everyone and everything.

The all important first post sets the tone for the rest of the blog. Exposing all the bits and pieces of your life to the public also opens up the possibility of criticism and mockery. It’s terrifying! No one wants to be judged or criticized and anything you say or do could potentially come back to bite you in the a$$.

After all this needless mental anguish and over-analytical hoopla, I’ve decided this:



I’m going b@lls out.


Yes, indeedy I am. You only live once, right? I’ve lived under my own personal life mantra of, “do what you want, you’re never going to see these people again,” thing now for years and generally it’s served me pretty well to allow me to be the person that I am today.

I will be NO HOLDS BARRED! 

To an extent.

With the wise words of my good friend ‘B’ ringing through my head, I will monitor my cursing and candidness regarding my personal life online because, according to her, it’s DANGEROUS. I will heed her words and reign in my potty mouth as best as I can. If I feel the need to curse, which I feel quite frequently I might add, I will begin my cursing with the apropos letter and the general public may supplement whatever tickles their fancy. 

So! Onto the important information. Why are you reading my blog in the first place?

My name is Zajiue and I am fat.

According to the National Institute of Health’s handy-dandy BMI chart, I am in fact, obese. I am currently the heaviest I’ve ever been in my 29 years on this earth. It’s a shameful and sad fact to me that I am ::gasp!:: currently 5’3” and 187 pounds. 

I haven’t always been this way however. Growing up, I was so thin that my friends called me anorexic and my mother force-fed me steaks and liver soup to help me try to gain weight. I present my readers with proof with Exhibit A.

You know you would’ve wanted to force feed me cookies too! 

In high school I ate all sorts of junk in large quantities and besides a brief one month stint on the track team, (a friend bet that I couldn’t last 2 weeks, so I did it for a month to spite her) I never exercised and was STILL thin. Enter Exhibit B.

Don't mind the full cheeks, it's an Asian thing. I'm smiling because I just ate lots of cookies.

I entered college at 112 pounds and exited around 135.

So what happened?!

According to my doctors, I developed a thyroid problem. Strangely enough, I was hyper-thyroid and not hypo. People who have hyperthyroidism generally lose weight but I was one of those rare cases that gained weight because of an increased appetite. I’ve never been a fast food junkie, restaurant warrior, nor do I drink soda; I just consume massive quantities of food.

In fact, I ate so much food that if not for my hyperthyroidism, I probably would have been twice as big as I was. (For those that are concerned, my doctors have told me that just this year my thyroid has begun regulating itself.) That, added to the fact that after 2003, I became increasingly sedentary. Blame it on the fact that I went back to school or perhaps on a steady long-term relationship or just simple laziness. But the fact of the matter is, I stopped moving.

The larger I got, the less I moved. The less I moved, the larger I got. The larger I got, the more ashamed of my appearance I became. I stopped participating in fun events and hid from social activities and friends. I was living a life half-lived.

If in the future, if I have children and grand children, they will be certain to ask, “Grandma, what happened to you between 2004 and 2010?”  Why will they ask? Because during that time period there are almost no pictures taken of me. None voluntarily at least. It’s like a black hole in the span of my life. I literally disappeared for 6 years because of my fat.  Enter Exhibit C. This one's scary.

Does this look like a voluntarily taken picture to you? I think not. I'm wearing a Santa hat for goodness sakes!

It’s not that during that time period I didn’t try to lose weight. I’m always trying. I’ve tried every diet known to man and even invented some of my own. (I’ll be sure to blog about that later) So in 6 years of dieting, what did I accomplish?

The longest that I ever faithfully stuck to a diet was one month. The longest I ever exercised consistently was 2 months. The most weight I have ever consecutively lost was 12 pounds. But the greatest constant of every single diet attempt? I ended up gaining the weight back and added a few more on for good measure. Not a great track record.

I’m not diet stupid. Far from it. I’ve even had conversations with nutritionists who were surprised that I knew as much as they did.  I know that you can lose weight on almost any diet… IF YOU STICK TO IT. I know that it’s calories in and calories out. I know all that I know and I haven’t been able to break the cycle. Maybe it’s my lack of will power, maybe it’s something else. All that I know is that I’m sick and tired of it and I’m sick and tired of myself being this way.

Being fat is not a good way to be. You don’t feel good. It’s harder to move. You can’t wear pretty clothes. People treat you like you’re invisible or they look at you funny.

I can’t live like this anymore. Life is short and I’ve already wasted some prime years away.

So I’ve decided to do a few things. I’m starting this blog so that I can hold myself accountable. I am making it viewable to everyone so that I can have the support of others to spur me on. Most of all, I saved and scrimped and I will be going to Utah in a few short days to stay for a month at Fitness Ridge, a.k.a. The Biggest Loser Resort!!!

I know my faults. In my heart of hearts I truly believe that with this one month jumpstart that FR will give me, I’ll be able to get myself on track for the first time ever. My SO (significant other) ‘N’ has always joked that the perfect antidote to obesity was his version of the Alcatraz diet. Lock ‘em up, feed ‘em nothing’ but bread and water and force them to do hard labor. (of course that’s what a skinny person would say)

While he has a point, I will be doing it my way. I’m going to a health RESORT! I know it’s going to be difficult. I’ve read countless blogs and articles talking about how amazing and life changing the experience at FR has been for others. I have my doubts, I mean come on, you know it sounds too good to be true! Life changing? Everyone happy that they’re being pushed to exercise hours and hours a day? Proud of BLISTERS?! If at the end of my FR journey, I sound the same as all the others before me… then you will KNOW that all the stories are true.

I’ve always read that it takes 30 days to develop new habits. In 30 days I hope that my body will become accustomed to eating smaller, healthier portions. In 30 days, I hope that I will be ‘in shape’ for the first time in my life because I have been thin but I’ve never been in shape. In 30 days and with the wise words of Fiona Apple in my head, I hope to become a better version of ME.

 Fiona Apple - A Better Version of Me

I'm a frightened, fickle person
Fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'
What should I do

Oooh, after all the folderol,
And hauling over coals stops
What will I do

Can't take a good day without a bad one
Don't feel just to smile until I've had one
Where did I learn

I make a fuss about a little thing
The rhyme is losing to the riddling
Where's the turn

I don't want a home, I'd ruin that
Home is where my habits have a habitat
Why give it a turn

Oh, after all the folderol
And hauling over coals stops
What did I learn

I am likely to miss the main event
If I stop to cry or complain again
So I will keep a deliberate pace
Let the damned breeze dry my face

Oh, mister, wait until you see
What I'm gonna be

I've got a plan, a demand and it just began
And if you're right, you'll agree

Here's coming a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me